He doesn't really have to say a thing, not as the kittens crowd her for fish and Purrelden lays on her back so her stomach is on display as she snacks. Even Remi is adorable, even if he's not as adorable as Purrelden. No cats are.
"They will. What matters is that they come back. She will eat your fish, and greedily take every bit of attention you'll give her, but when I stand up to head out, she'll scamper over here. Right now Remi may not notice if you leave... but in time he may. And that's when you know a cat has chosen their owner, when someone leaving actually affects them."
Purrelden licks her paws and the fish, making a noise as if she's been starving for forever and can only survive with more.
"I think you are, perhaps, projecting a little." Not that it stops her from sharing fresh scraps of salmon. Not that it stops her from tickling that exposed belly and scratching Remi under the chin. These are the smaller things, the simple things. She can do this when she needs to; feed a kitten, keep it warm, keep it safe. One thing she knows she can get right in the middle of so many ideological and political quagmires she must wade through day in, day out.
A nice, mindless moment between cramped pages of academic texts and grat requests. "Such a little actress, isn't she?"
"Projecting? What, I'd notice if I head out? I'd certainly hope so." He beams at her, holding his hands back so that Adelaide can feel free to play with both kittens. There's no need to make things awkward and risk brushing of hands, and he will have plenty of time to pet cats ahead of him.
"And yes, she is. Far better at it than I am. You'd think I starved her, that I never rubbed her stomach, or any of it. And yet I let her tangle her little claws in my hairband and steal my pillow and anything she'd like. All I ask is that she try to take down the small pests that get into the tent, and be content in her pouch when we're out and about."
Adelaide does not roll her eyes, but it is a very near thing. There is an air, a weight to the cant of her head and arch of her brow that implies should she be the sort of woman that rolled her eyes, at that moment? She would have. But she is not. There fore the implication must hang in the air between them, hovering over the two playing kittens, before her attention returns to feeding them scraps of dried salmon.
It ought to be a familiar air and weight. One with which Detlef was graced many a time in the earliest stages of their association. "What are you going to do when she is grown? Get a bigger pouch?"
It's a very familiar and very welcome air and weight. There's complications... but they can be overcome, clearly, because if this isn't something friendly then he isn't a mage.
"Of course. When I was given Ser Pounce-A-Lot he was larger than she is now, and he traveled by pouch in the Deep Roads. Granted, he was also not scared of insects. We'll have to see how she settles or doesn't as she gets a little older."
Now he reaches out to scratch the back of Purrelden's neck, smile going back down to fond. "If she stays a little skittish, I won't take her down. I don't want to risk her getting hurt because she gets startled. Pounce went with me because he could assist."
"..." That airy fondness flattens out the moment Anders says 'Deep Roads'. Something of a firm reminder of what he is more than mage and abomination, of her own unanswered questions regarding Wardens. Of the Calling that is or isn't any longer an issue, if it ever was. Somewhere she has never been, somewhere she hopes to never go simply from the legends and rumors of their horrors-
He can feel the change, and he looks up to give her a confused look.
"It wasn't, I mean, there was no one to leave him with, and he was given to me after he'd made it through a Darkspawn attack on the Keep, so he'd proven that he was resourceful. I was careful with him, and I'd be careful with her too." He's not a cruel cat owner.
"Simple answer first - he survived by being present at Vigil's Keep when it's overrun, scratching up a genlock, somehow dodging shrieks, and finding his own corner to stay safe. And I'm glad I took him into the Deep Roads, as he helped with excellent bat-and-dodge moves more than once. And now for the long one."
He sits back and picks his cup back up, sipping his tea before he starts in. "Seventh escape attempt. I got captured. It was most definitely to be my last; everyone knew what was coming if I tried it again and failed. As they hauled me back, we stopped at Vigil's Keep where they had a few handy cells. That night, while I was still wearing those lovely cuffs that mean no magic, the Keep was, as mentioned a moment ago, overrun. The Templars died right up against the bars of my cell, and I stayed in the corner because what else was I supposed to do? No magic, darkspawn everywhere... After a lovely little stalemate, the darkpawn moved on."
Another sip. He doesn't like remembering any part of being in a cell or held, and tea helps.
"I took my chance, fished in one's pockets for the keys, got out of shackles and cell, and ran. I got perhaps fifteen feet before I saw someone screaming for help, so I started setting Darkspawn on fire. I was setting more on fire when the Hero of Ferelden," Purrelden's ears perk up and she comes to his hands to headbutt them. With a smile, Anders resumes petting her, "showed up with a little entourage, and I wound up helping liberate the Keep. When that was done, I was about ready to run again. Instead, another Templar turned up. And accused me of murdering my guards. The ones covered in Darkspawn wounds, like teeth and claw marks. I got called a few names, everyone got informed of how I was to be taken back and killed... and then Jonas stepped in and offered me conscription."
Anders shrugs. "Given my options, the choice seemed easy. And that's the short version of how I became a Grey Warden."
She nudges Remi with her fingertips, allowing the kitten to bat and gnaw upon them gently as Anders tells his tale. Some of what Detlef had told her makes more sense filtered through the light of Anders' identity, his experiences. Running for seven times- a few attempted to flee the spire, she knew. What became of them remained a mystery. Murmurs abound, of course but-
No one ever learned the truth. No one thought to ask.
There's something admirable in that futile determination, really. Not much of something but something none the less.
"And...what would the long version be?" They have time, and tea. Why not hear it?
He's quiet for a few moments, sipping his tea again.
"It's got more details, like hearing the fantasies of my captors when it came to my upcoming execution. There'd been mounting frustration since my second escape; knowing that I was already skilled with healing didn't help win anyone over. When the first screams reached our ears, they didn't budge at right away. They were too pleased with themselves.
"There's the technicality that Jonas actually offered me a chance to run before the confrontation and I made it to the wall before realizing that there was still fighting going on and I couldn't just run, so I went back rather than seizing the best chance I would ever have. The Templars probably had my phylactery with them, I could have been presumed dead and they probably wouldn't have been searched before being burned, but no."
He exhales. It's not like he could have lived with himself if he'd kept running.
"Fighting through the Keep itself was brutal. I couldn't focus on healing alone, not even when Oghren joined us. There were so many of them, and that was my first day even seeing Darkspawn. You read about them, but seeing the ruin they can make is... It's something you can't wrap your mind around until you see it. I didn't want to join the Wardens, but at least it was a group I could find a common cause with, a cause I believed in. Mm. There's things that come after in that first week, like us coming across a would-be assassin in the cells and then him getting conscripted, but generally the longer version is just more details. Blood and fear and plenty of yelling about how I'm a maleficar because of the dead Templars I clearly hadn't killed."
"Is this a common occurrence- the random conscripting of those that happen to be about in times of crisis?" Felix's indoctrination- for she cannot view it as anything but that- seemed less a thing done out of need and more out of pity. That they held off for so long- that they might not have at all due to the fact that he wasn't a skilled mage or good at much of anything-
It burns, still. A small wound that has not yet healed, that may never heal. Whatever the Wardens truly are more than the tales, whatever they are good for? She has yet to see more than the trouble they make for those around them.
That her primary points of contact are Alistair, Anders, and Nathaniel likely does not help matters much in this regard. One mostly useless, two politically complicated for very different reasons, though one is more universal in his complication and one is more rooted in Fereldan politics that she never truly bothered to mind. "Did they not check your palms or arms for wounds? That is the most common step in clarifying such an accusation."
"I... The official stance says no, that they seek people to be Wardens after spending time as a recruit. The truth of the matter is that few would volunteer to be a Warden except during a Blight, and they generally don't have time for training then. If the Wardens are to keep their numbers up, they have to make offers to those with no other options. Myself, Nate, Teren, Bethany, Felix, we were all of us about to die for various reasons. Velanna had lost everything. I don't know about the others, but I'd wager most of them had no choices left."
His words are quiet, thoughtful. It's not exactly above-board, either. No one knows that they're not getting a whole other chance at life until after they join, and no one knows they might die while Joining.
"And while your question is entirely logical, there are a few things to remember. One, healer. I'd have no cuts if I went maleficar. Two, she was angry beyond logic. You know how it is - no one gets a third escape attempt. Two tends to be when they kill them. It was simply that I had a rare gift, and a great deal of it, that I survived, and the Templars who had been so pleased with themselves for bringing me in that second time found all of their satisfaction and sense of justice thwarted. The anger mounted with each escape and every time I survived another punishment. What's worse for them is they thought the sixth punishment would end me." He gives her a bitter smile. "It nearly did. But as you can see... So there was no reasoning with her. There was no reasoning with any Templar from Kinloch Hold. I was a sign that their power was not absolute, and they were furious."
"That inspires a great deal of confidence in the organization as a whole." No, no it doesn't. They've always been odd and fickle and strange to her, the Wardens. That they would swoop in after waiting for so long with Felix has not helped her opinion on the matter. Alistair certainly doesn't. The last bastion for those that have nowhere else to go, that would likely be jailed or killed otherwise?
It makes her wonder for a moment what Teren could have possibly done to end up among their company.
"I cannot speak on that particular circle as what little I know comes from second or third hand and is incredibly biased. But situations like that- it is what the Seekers are for, a point of authority to prevent abuse that would prompt attempts to escape." But the system as a whole was too bloated, too overcomplicated to manage any manner of consistency. "It is neither here nor there, I suppose."
He snorts and gives her a wry look as he rubs underneath Purrelden's chin.
"There's nothing I can really do to sell them as more confidence-inspiring. Except to point out that the Grey Wardens aren't simply giving those of us who've committed crimes mercy. They give an offer of a useful death. We hunt darkspawn. One day I'll be too slow, or a batch will break through the line of warriors, a portion of the Deep Roads will crumble beneath my feet, and so on. And most who are recruited to the Wardens deserve better. Bethany and Felix did nothing wrong. Teren was a scapegoat. Nate was foolish. And I just wanted freedom; there was no blood on my hands at that point. The Warden organization as a whole is... questionable. But the individual Wardens, for the most part, were out of options."
Few of them deserved to be infected with the Blight and dying a long, slow death if something else didn't get them first. He did now. Velanna had murdered a lot of innocents as well. Most? Hadn't done anything.
"And the Seekers could, would have done nothing for me. I need the sky, breezes, the sun. There was nothing noble about my escape attempts. My first one was spurred by harshness as well, yes, but also because I simply needed to be outside. Things got worse from there. But everything that influenced my first attempt, and even almost everything that influenced my second, was entirely legal in Seeker eyes. ...But so long as the Circles are not revived, you're right, that doesn't matter here."
"Did they not have windows, in Kinloch?" To need something so fundamental- in the Spire they had windows, they had opportunities to go out and see the surrounding area- if only under heavy supervision. She herself was permitted to travel quite a bit and while she knows very well that not all Circles were half so kind- that even her own was nowhere near as Kind as she thinks it to be-
"It was a former fortress, re-purposed. There were a few slits high-up, but it didn't have a great many to begin with. And then, mm. Someone jumped into the lake and swam for miles in an escape attempt and we weren't allowed outside anymore." In case his wording didn't make it clear who the 'someone' was, his face tells the whole story.
"It only ever takes one to lose a few privileges. I suppose that did not make you terribly popular among your fellows." From what she had heard he had it hard enough from the Templars. TO be someone that lost them one of their freedoms? She has seen how groups weather such punishments.
Not well. And that is among teenagers for lesser, temporary losses.
For several moments, Anders stares at his cup of tea. Eventually he looks up and shrugs. "I was past caring, at that point. The Templars had already taken everyone who mattered away, in one way or another. The only hope I had, the only hope I wanted to have, involved getting out."
"What manner of circle does not encourage the forming of bonds between its mages? We are not to be falling in love or fucking around, this is true, but to leave any mage feeling so isolated is to invite despair or possession." Which. Well. Case in point: Anders.
"And what's wrong with love or fucking around? They're things that people do; there should be no reason to disallow them. And the Templars wanted me possessed so they could kill me. It's not speculation. I just wound up possessed sometime after I got out, and then not the way they intended." One year in that dungeon, that cell, knowing what they wanted... Mr. Wiggums and stubbornness made a very powerful combination.
"Strong emotions draw demons." That much is simple enough. "Partly due to chantry prudishness and partly from a practical aim not to have to deal with a pregnant mage."
It's impractical, it's dangerous, it's selfish. She'd learned that lesson well enough in her youth after a fashion.
"And yet there's hate and anger and resentment and pain, all of which are far more likely to draw demons than love. Love leads to hope, leads to someone willing to make sacrifices for the person they care about, not demons. And as far as pregnant mages go... for one, it's another cruelty to deny families and children to people who may want them. For another, that can be dealt with by having witherstalk in the drinks of women who are in relationships with men. There are ways to do things that don't require denying the personhood of mages."
It's natural. It's life. It can be painful, but it can bring joy and everyone deserves a chance at it. Or more than one.
"Look at the world as it was ten years ago, as it is now, and tell me you would wish to raise a child in it. That you would take the risk of that child having magic, knowing all that comes from such things." It is foolishness. It is dangerous, that optimism, and that he cannot or will not see that is-
Well it is par the course, truly.
"The apostate familes that are able to manage have my admiration and respect- but they were raised without a great deal of what makes life most dangerous for mages in regards to spirits and demons. They lack the knowledge to shape them adversely. Those that were brought up in circles? Cannot unlearn what they were taught."
"I would not want to have had a child ten years ago, no. And I know that I'd be a lodestone around any child's neck now, but if things were otherwise? If I was not me, had not done what I did? Yes. I would take that risk. There will be a future in this world. I cannot act as if it is otherwise."
He exhales, no longer certain that they're talking about hypotheticals.
"Those who were held by the Circles can slowly heal and learn to live, learn to leave some of the fear that's been relentlessly driven into them behind. It is not easy. It will never be easy. But life... It's there. Waiting. Worth risking."
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"They will. What matters is that they come back. She will eat your fish, and greedily take every bit of attention you'll give her, but when I stand up to head out, she'll scamper over here. Right now Remi may not notice if you leave... but in time he may. And that's when you know a cat has chosen their owner, when someone leaving actually affects them."
Purrelden licks her paws and the fish, making a noise as if she's been starving for forever and can only survive with more.
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A nice, mindless moment between cramped pages of academic texts and grat requests. "Such a little actress, isn't she?"
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"And yes, she is. Far better at it than I am. You'd think I starved her, that I never rubbed her stomach, or any of it. And yet I let her tangle her little claws in my hairband and steal my pillow and anything she'd like. All I ask is that she try to take down the small pests that get into the tent, and be content in her pouch when we're out and about."
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It ought to be a familiar air and weight. One with which Detlef was graced many a time in the earliest stages of their association. "What are you going to do when she is grown? Get a bigger pouch?"
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"Of course. When I was given Ser Pounce-A-Lot he was larger than she is now, and he traveled by pouch in the Deep Roads. Granted, he was also not scared of insects. We'll have to see how she settles or doesn't as she gets a little older."
Now he reaches out to scratch the back of Purrelden's neck, smile going back down to fond. "If she stays a little skittish, I won't take her down. I don't want to risk her getting hurt because she gets startled. Pounce went with me because he could assist."
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And somewhere Anders has taken a cat.
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"It wasn't, I mean, there was no one to leave him with, and he was given to me after he'd made it through a Darkspawn attack on the Keep, so he'd proven that he was resourceful. I was careful with him, and I'd be careful with her too." He's not a cruel cat owner.
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"...How does a cat survive a Darkspawn attack?" That is the greater question. "...How is it you became a Warden in the first place?"
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He sits back and picks his cup back up, sipping his tea before he starts in. "Seventh escape attempt. I got captured. It was most definitely to be my last; everyone knew what was coming if I tried it again and failed. As they hauled me back, we stopped at Vigil's Keep where they had a few handy cells. That night, while I was still wearing those lovely cuffs that mean no magic, the Keep was, as mentioned a moment ago, overrun. The Templars died right up against the bars of my cell, and I stayed in the corner because what else was I supposed to do? No magic, darkspawn everywhere... After a lovely little stalemate, the darkpawn moved on."
Another sip. He doesn't like remembering any part of being in a cell or held, and tea helps.
"I took my chance, fished in one's pockets for the keys, got out of shackles and cell, and ran. I got perhaps fifteen feet before I saw someone screaming for help, so I started setting Darkspawn on fire. I was setting more on fire when the Hero of Ferelden," Purrelden's ears perk up and she comes to his hands to headbutt them. With a smile, Anders resumes petting her, "showed up with a little entourage, and I wound up helping liberate the Keep. When that was done, I was about ready to run again. Instead, another Templar turned up. And accused me of murdering my guards. The ones covered in Darkspawn wounds, like teeth and claw marks. I got called a few names, everyone got informed of how I was to be taken back and killed... and then Jonas stepped in and offered me conscription."
Anders shrugs. "Given my options, the choice seemed easy. And that's the short version of how I became a Grey Warden."
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No one ever learned the truth. No one thought to ask.
There's something admirable in that futile determination, really. Not much of something but something none the less.
"And...what would the long version be?" They have time, and tea. Why not hear it?
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"It's got more details, like hearing the fantasies of my captors when it came to my upcoming execution. There'd been mounting frustration since my second escape; knowing that I was already skilled with healing didn't help win anyone over. When the first screams reached our ears, they didn't budge at right away. They were too pleased with themselves.
"There's the technicality that Jonas actually offered me a chance to run before the confrontation and I made it to the wall before realizing that there was still fighting going on and I couldn't just run, so I went back rather than seizing the best chance I would ever have. The Templars probably had my phylactery with them, I could have been presumed dead and they probably wouldn't have been searched before being burned, but no."
He exhales. It's not like he could have lived with himself if he'd kept running.
"Fighting through the Keep itself was brutal. I couldn't focus on healing alone, not even when Oghren joined us. There were so many of them, and that was my first day even seeing Darkspawn. You read about them, but seeing the ruin they can make is... It's something you can't wrap your mind around until you see it. I didn't want to join the Wardens, but at least it was a group I could find a common cause with, a cause I believed in. Mm. There's things that come after in that first week, like us coming across a would-be assassin in the cells and then him getting conscripted, but generally the longer version is just more details. Blood and fear and plenty of yelling about how I'm a maleficar because of the dead Templars I clearly hadn't killed."
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It burns, still. A small wound that has not yet healed, that may never heal. Whatever the Wardens truly are more than the tales, whatever they are good for? She has yet to see more than the trouble they make for those around them.
That her primary points of contact are Alistair, Anders, and Nathaniel likely does not help matters much in this regard. One mostly useless, two politically complicated for very different reasons, though one is more universal in his complication and one is more rooted in Fereldan politics that she never truly bothered to mind. "Did they not check your palms or arms for wounds? That is the most common step in clarifying such an accusation."
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His words are quiet, thoughtful. It's not exactly above-board, either. No one knows that they're not getting a whole other chance at life until after they join, and no one knows they might die while Joining.
"And while your question is entirely logical, there are a few things to remember. One, healer. I'd have no cuts if I went maleficar. Two, she was angry beyond logic. You know how it is - no one gets a third escape attempt. Two tends to be when they kill them. It was simply that I had a rare gift, and a great deal of it, that I survived, and the Templars who had been so pleased with themselves for bringing me in that second time found all of their satisfaction and sense of justice thwarted. The anger mounted with each escape and every time I survived another punishment. What's worse for them is they thought the sixth punishment would end me." He gives her a bitter smile. "It nearly did. But as you can see... So there was no reasoning with her. There was no reasoning with any Templar from Kinloch Hold. I was a sign that their power was not absolute, and they were furious."
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It makes her wonder for a moment what Teren could have possibly done to end up among their company.
"I cannot speak on that particular circle as what little I know comes from second or third hand and is incredibly biased. But situations like that- it is what the Seekers are for, a point of authority to prevent abuse that would prompt attempts to escape." But the system as a whole was too bloated, too overcomplicated to manage any manner of consistency. "It is neither here nor there, I suppose."
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"There's nothing I can really do to sell them as more confidence-inspiring. Except to point out that the Grey Wardens aren't simply giving those of us who've committed crimes mercy. They give an offer of a useful death. We hunt darkspawn. One day I'll be too slow, or a batch will break through the line of warriors, a portion of the Deep Roads will crumble beneath my feet, and so on. And most who are recruited to the Wardens deserve better. Bethany and Felix did nothing wrong. Teren was a scapegoat. Nate was foolish. And I just wanted freedom; there was no blood on my hands at that point. The Warden organization as a whole is... questionable. But the individual Wardens, for the most part, were out of options."
Few of them deserved to be infected with the Blight and dying a long, slow death if something else didn't get them first. He did now. Velanna had murdered a lot of innocents as well. Most? Hadn't done anything.
"And the Seekers could, would have done nothing for me. I need the sky, breezes, the sun. There was nothing noble about my escape attempts. My first one was spurred by harshness as well, yes, but also because I simply needed to be outside. Things got worse from there. But everything that influenced my first attempt, and even almost everything that influenced my second, was entirely legal in Seeker eyes. ...But so long as the Circles are not revived, you're right, that doesn't matter here."
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That seems a bit overdone. To not have windows.
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Not well. And that is among teenagers for lesser, temporary losses.
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It's impractical, it's dangerous, it's selfish. She'd learned that lesson well enough in her youth after a fashion.
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It's natural. It's life. It can be painful, but it can bring joy and everyone deserves a chance at it. Or more than one.
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Well it is par the course, truly.
"The apostate familes that are able to manage have my admiration and respect- but they were raised without a great deal of what makes life most dangerous for mages in regards to spirits and demons. They lack the knowledge to shape them adversely. Those that were brought up in circles? Cannot unlearn what they were taught."
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He exhales, no longer certain that they're talking about hypotheticals.
"Those who were held by the Circles can slowly heal and learn to live, learn to leave some of the fear that's been relentlessly driven into them behind. It is not easy. It will never be easy. But life... It's there. Waiting. Worth risking."
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