"Did they not have windows, in Kinloch?" To need something so fundamental- in the Spire they had windows, they had opportunities to go out and see the surrounding area- if only under heavy supervision. She herself was permitted to travel quite a bit and while she knows very well that not all Circles were half so kind- that even her own was nowhere near as Kind as she thinks it to be-
"It was a former fortress, re-purposed. There were a few slits high-up, but it didn't have a great many to begin with. And then, mm. Someone jumped into the lake and swam for miles in an escape attempt and we weren't allowed outside anymore." In case his wording didn't make it clear who the 'someone' was, his face tells the whole story.
"It only ever takes one to lose a few privileges. I suppose that did not make you terribly popular among your fellows." From what she had heard he had it hard enough from the Templars. TO be someone that lost them one of their freedoms? She has seen how groups weather such punishments.
Not well. And that is among teenagers for lesser, temporary losses.
For several moments, Anders stares at his cup of tea. Eventually he looks up and shrugs. "I was past caring, at that point. The Templars had already taken everyone who mattered away, in one way or another. The only hope I had, the only hope I wanted to have, involved getting out."
"What manner of circle does not encourage the forming of bonds between its mages? We are not to be falling in love or fucking around, this is true, but to leave any mage feeling so isolated is to invite despair or possession." Which. Well. Case in point: Anders.
"And what's wrong with love or fucking around? They're things that people do; there should be no reason to disallow them. And the Templars wanted me possessed so they could kill me. It's not speculation. I just wound up possessed sometime after I got out, and then not the way they intended." One year in that dungeon, that cell, knowing what they wanted... Mr. Wiggums and stubbornness made a very powerful combination.
"Strong emotions draw demons." That much is simple enough. "Partly due to chantry prudishness and partly from a practical aim not to have to deal with a pregnant mage."
It's impractical, it's dangerous, it's selfish. She'd learned that lesson well enough in her youth after a fashion.
"And yet there's hate and anger and resentment and pain, all of which are far more likely to draw demons than love. Love leads to hope, leads to someone willing to make sacrifices for the person they care about, not demons. And as far as pregnant mages go... for one, it's another cruelty to deny families and children to people who may want them. For another, that can be dealt with by having witherstalk in the drinks of women who are in relationships with men. There are ways to do things that don't require denying the personhood of mages."
It's natural. It's life. It can be painful, but it can bring joy and everyone deserves a chance at it. Or more than one.
"Look at the world as it was ten years ago, as it is now, and tell me you would wish to raise a child in it. That you would take the risk of that child having magic, knowing all that comes from such things." It is foolishness. It is dangerous, that optimism, and that he cannot or will not see that is-
Well it is par the course, truly.
"The apostate familes that are able to manage have my admiration and respect- but they were raised without a great deal of what makes life most dangerous for mages in regards to spirits and demons. They lack the knowledge to shape them adversely. Those that were brought up in circles? Cannot unlearn what they were taught."
"I would not want to have had a child ten years ago, no. And I know that I'd be a lodestone around any child's neck now, but if things were otherwise? If I was not me, had not done what I did? Yes. I would take that risk. There will be a future in this world. I cannot act as if it is otherwise."
He exhales, no longer certain that they're talking about hypotheticals.
"Those who were held by the Circles can slowly heal and learn to live, learn to leave some of the fear that's been relentlessly driven into them behind. It is not easy. It will never be easy. But life... It's there. Waiting. Worth risking."
"There will be a future but it is yet uncertain. It is ever uncertain, all the more so for mages. The Inquisition will not last forever, it will not protect us forever. That those here have the opportunity to live as they wish- I am glad for them. But we cannot ignore the risks." It would be irresponsible to do s. "I neither condemn nor condone such things as I see them now, for it is not my place. But I shall consider it unwise all the same."
"Says the one who at least lived a little after the ball." And maybe, possibly, at a dance that feels a lifetime ago and he wishes he'd handled differently.
"Please take off the Councillor robes and teacher's hat sometimes, Adelaide. You're working toward the better good, but you don't have to focus solely on that." Justice is bristling as Anders talks, but this is important. What's the point of equality if they hide from it? "There is nothing that is certain. Corypheus could attack Skyhold tomorrow. Leliana's talk about equality could be for nothing and she could be deposed by Cassandra and Cullen and we could find ourselves held once more. You hold a position of importance, you're respected, and you're also a person, Adelaide."
"Something done between two consenting individuals with all due precautions taken." It hadn't been terrible, that night. All told it'd been quite lovely and were Martel not...well...Martel perhaps it would have been worth keeping that door open for future nights she might not have wished to spend on her own. But Martel will ever be himself. But there is no love there- not in the way that most would think, and there would be no child.
"A person that is content with her work and pleased by her students, that is satisfied with the relationships I have built. Simply because I see no reason to take the risks you do does not make me less of one." Someone must be mindful. Someone must stand firm. Besides, she has too much to do and not enough time already, how could she possibly fit a courtship into her life?
"Content and pleased are good, and you're not less of a person no matter what you do or do not do. But are you happy?" He might not have the right to ask her that, but he cares. Possibly more than he should. Probably more than he should, and if he could cut back he would.
"And what business is it of yours?" They are- something. Not quite friends entirely for the distance she must maintain outside this tent and for all that she has not forgiven him, and likely never would, for what he'd done. Detlef she might have told.
But this is not Detlef. This is not a man just as tired and just as burdened by their vocation.
His lack of facial reaction might say just as much as anything visible would - Anders rarely has a blank face.
"Perhaps it's not." Maybe one day being pushed away would hurt less and he'd accept it and move on, leave what he feels in the dust. Today is apparently not that day. He stands and inclines his head as Purrelden scampers into his open palm. "Thank you for the tea. I'll look into our embrium stores, and tell Nate you're alive later, unless you choose to do so."
Kitten goes into pouch, and he's ready to go unless she asks him to stop, which he figures is highly unlikely.
Adelaide supposes Nathaniel received her message as well and that, perhaps, she does have at least one extra appointment for the day that ought be bumped up. Or maybe she could get away with a simple call. That might be best, truly. Anders she watches with little more than a cool look, fingers still idly batting at Remi's paws.
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That seems a bit overdone. To not have windows.
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Not well. And that is among teenagers for lesser, temporary losses.
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It's impractical, it's dangerous, it's selfish. She'd learned that lesson well enough in her youth after a fashion.
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It's natural. It's life. It can be painful, but it can bring joy and everyone deserves a chance at it. Or more than one.
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Well it is par the course, truly.
"The apostate familes that are able to manage have my admiration and respect- but they were raised without a great deal of what makes life most dangerous for mages in regards to spirits and demons. They lack the knowledge to shape them adversely. Those that were brought up in circles? Cannot unlearn what they were taught."
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He exhales, no longer certain that they're talking about hypotheticals.
"Those who were held by the Circles can slowly heal and learn to live, learn to leave some of the fear that's been relentlessly driven into them behind. It is not easy. It will never be easy. But life... It's there. Waiting. Worth risking."
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"Please take off the Councillor robes and teacher's hat sometimes, Adelaide. You're working toward the better good, but you don't have to focus solely on that." Justice is bristling as Anders talks, but this is important. What's the point of equality if they hide from it? "There is nothing that is certain. Corypheus could attack Skyhold tomorrow. Leliana's talk about equality could be for nothing and she could be deposed by Cassandra and Cullen and we could find ourselves held once more. You hold a position of importance, you're respected, and you're also a person, Adelaide."
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"A person that is content with her work and pleased by her students, that is satisfied with the relationships I have built. Simply because I see no reason to take the risks you do does not make me less of one." Someone must be mindful. Someone must stand firm. Besides, she has too much to do and not enough time already, how could she possibly fit a courtship into her life?
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"Content and pleased are good, and you're not less of a person no matter what you do or do not do. But are you happy?" He might not have the right to ask her that, but he cares. Possibly more than he should. Probably more than he should, and if he could cut back he would.
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But this is not Detlef. This is not a man just as tired and just as burdened by their vocation.
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"Perhaps it's not." Maybe one day being pushed away would hurt less and he'd accept it and move on, leave what he feels in the dust. Today is apparently not that day. He stands and inclines his head as Purrelden scampers into his open palm. "Thank you for the tea. I'll look into our embrium stores, and tell Nate you're alive later, unless you choose to do so."
Kitten goes into pouch, and he's ready to go unless she asks him to stop, which he figures is highly unlikely.
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Complicated. Why is this so terribly complicated?