[ To be given the opportunity to change. To be better. To do better. That's worth a great deal. Though different could also mean worse but- Red strikes her as the sort that would just say so. ]
We've saved the wardens, apparently. Well. The wardens within the Inquisition- killing that thing, the fight in the fade? Stopped whatever it was that had been making them hear The Calling. It- I do not understand it but...I had a friend, a patient, that heard it before he was made a Warden. A song of the old gods in the back of his mind. He hated it. Apparently Wardens hear this and it means they are near death- all of the Wardens in Southern Thedas were hearing it. And now...they aren't.
Crash course. ( She murmurs, almost inaudible, exhaling as she tries to sort and rummage and make sure she has all that information figured out so she can work something meaningful out of it later. )
So, they... basically get some mysterious force reaching into their mind when they're dying?
( wow, Thedas. ) That's... morbid. ( Wait ) I mean, great that they aren't, you know. Being sung to death, or something.
It has something to do with the Blight. They are terribly secretive as a whole- I am certain I should not know even that but Alistair was kind enough to inform me after I expressed my displeasure at his instance that whatever it was they did saved a man that was on his death's bed. My friend. He was dying of the blight and then, suddenly, he wasn't.
[ And they will not tell her how. ]
The song- means the taint is thick in them. Apparently it is custom for them to go to the deep roads and fight as many darkspawn until they themselves die or- something like that? I think it is bullshit, I do not trust it, I do not understand it but- whatever This Calling is. Whatever it means to them? It has stopped.
( For long moments there is just the sound of rain against wood; despite her ridiculous comments before, Red evidently has found herself some shelter, and so that clatter and the slow draw of her breath are all the crystal picks up for a moment. )
Oh-kay. ( The o is slow and drawn out. ) I'm glad your friend is-- ( "okay" might be pushing it. ) I'm glad he's not dying. That's really good.
( Her months here have involved some reading, but probably not enough. She has, however, grasped what the taint means. Darkspawn. Other stuff. )
Sounds like a win. Small one, at least. I mean, making sure their minds are their own again and everything? That's definitely a win.
( But she frowns, and maybe it's audible in her voice. )
[ That was...decidedly unprofessional, frustrated, and bordering on venting but one does not vent to those in their employ. It was inappropriate. Adelaide sighs and slumps where she sits, the sound of fabric on wood as much as sign of the shifting as the drag of her hands down her face. ]
Well enough. Preparing for another round of 'will this be the ritual that makes Anders less of an abomination or will this be the one that kills me?' It is my new favorite game. Really.
[ If her voice were any drier, well, they'd be in the Western Approach. Again. ]
If this one does not work- I shudder to think of what will go wrong.
( Red's sigh is sympathetic, and she hums a quiet, thoughtful tune for a couple seconds as she muses on a response. )
Well, I'm going to lean on yes. I mean, admittedly I'm neither involved and I'm not an expect on Wolf stuff, let alone not-Wolf stuff. Even so... I think you'll do it. I mean, it could be really hard, and dangers kind of in everything.
But. And, okay, the but is actually really important, but in my world there's a couple things that are important. Believing. Believing does some powerful stuff. And the other one is love. The kind of-- God this sounds lame, but the magic you do, that's got some kind of root in caring, and people care because they love humanity or people or life or... anything. That's what I think, anyway. You can do this. You can definitely do it. You and Anders'll both come out the other side stronger for it. You'll be okay.
( She is rolling her eyes at herself, ) I believe in you.
[ For a long moment or two there's no response- but she is there. Breathing quietly, the dull scrape of her pen against paper stilled. Magic of other worlds does not automatically correlate to the magic of Thedas, she knows this. Hermione's struggles have been more than proof enough. But they can be blended to some degree.
Hermione and Martel are, again, proof of such things. Ruby's ease in changing- or was it difficult? It seemed simple enough.
She'd never thought to ask. ]
Magic here is...a matter of will and intent. Skill, of course, but so long as you know what it is you must do, so long as you provide a framework in which to see the thing done- a glyph, a spell, a familiar gesture- your will and intent taps into the Fade to shape the world around you. To make what you will to be so, so. It is not so simple as imagining something and wishing it to be but- Intent matters. In this way I suppose I do lack some of the requisite belief.
[ But...she has walked through the fade. Killed a demon the size of a fortress. She has survived that, survived the Spire, built something worthwhile.
This, too, she can do. ]
Thank you, Miel Loup. I may have needed to hear that.
Intent matters, ( she echoes. Ain't that the truth? The purity or corruption of things seemed wound into intent. Sometimes intent could be twisted, but...
Unseen, Red smiles a little. ) Hey, anytime you need a slightly garbled and confused pep talk, I'm your girl.
( A breath and, more seriously: ) Believing can be the hard part, especially when it comes to ourselves. You'll kick its ass. ( And then anoher moment skips past. ) What does that mean, anyway?
( Red attempts to echo it, and it runs together awkwardly, so she laughs at herself and gives up. No butchering a foreign language for her, today. )
[ In other things as well but- it does not matter quite so much on this side of the veil. That has become quite plain to her over the past decade. Good intentions are only good for so long for so much. They cannot excuse what is done in their name. ]
You know? After everything that happened in the fade? I think I am not as worried as I was before.
[ She snorts, a faint, breathless laugh. ]
Ah, that. It is unkind of me, I suppose, that I took two things you wished not to be called and put them together. Miel Loup. It means Honey Wolf or Sweet Wolf.
Yes. Magic and spirits. ( Not so much her Tragic Backstory. There's something odd in her town, even Red knows it, but how much to say? And would hre words just paint Granny as a villain? No. )
See? That's awesome. You rode a wolf and fought a giant demonic crab spider thing. I think that probably means you can actually handle anything.
( Unseen her eyes widen, and she bites her lip because otherwise she'd grin and... oh no, Red's laughing a little bit, regardless. )
Well, to be perfectly fair, the wolf thing I definitely like. ( She still sounds amused when she starts to explain, although there's something just slightly tired in it. )or, say... say, for example, that I was being a little unruly, and someone told you to get your dog on a leash. That I dislike. Sweet Wolf's actually... pretty good. I can live with it.
[ In other worlds- perhaps it matters more otherwise, but here? That distinction is plain. At least it has become such for her. ]
How can I undermine such a ringing endorsement?
[ Exactly. She can't. ]
Now that is being uncivil and would earn at least a slap if not a thorough dressing down. One does not say that about anyone, least of all someone that has fought for us without needing to do so. But- if you do not mind it, I shall continue to use it.
Well, I mean. Regina's just Regina, she kind of talks to everyone like that. And some people just say it without thinking, you know? Or it's meant to be kind of... affectionate teasing, or something. It's not... that bad.
( It is that bad, but hearing someone else say it makes her feel guilty. )
It does not matter that she treats everyone poorly, that makes her an ass and she will continue to be an ass unless corrected accordingly. Even if it is meant as a gesture of affection, it does not matter the intent in which it is said if it makes you feel as though you are less.
[ tl;dr ]
It is bullshit and I will not stand idly by and allow it.
Regina is definitely an ass. She's... also an ass that's gone through a lot. And helped save the everybody more than once, so...
( So? Red feels bound to cut her at least a little slack. She doesn't like Regina, she doesn't have much desire to be in her presence at all, and yet... she's one of them now, isn't she? She's not the bad guy any more.
She'd be happier about Snow embracing Regina back into her family hadn't felt like part of how Red slipped out of it. That, however, is basic self pity.
Lightly, )
Defending my honour now, huh?
( Maybe if she keeps joking about it then the feelings around this will be less complicated. )
That is beside the point. That she has changed, that she has become someone that saves rather than kills? Speaks well of her. But it does not give her a free pass to belittle you without repercussion.
[ Teach teenagers for ten years, you pick up a few hard lines that you do not cross. ]
I gave her the wrong coffee order, one time. Steep repercussions were dealt out.
( maybe not. )
Oh, well, you know. ( light, keep it light, just be silly. ) Getting run out of town with fire and pitchforks once or twice has fixed me with pretty low standard for social interaction.
( You don't have to, she almost says, but she feels acutely aware of how that stung Adelaide in the Fade and doesn't really want to test her ability to reach through the crystals and strangle someone. Because I'm a monster doesn't seem like it'd go better. )
I don't know. Maybe if I called you 'Addie.'
( jokes jokes jokes this is fine she doesn't feel torn about this subject )
Well that changes everything. [ She snorts. ] It is bullshit and you know it is bullshit.
[ Such a thing earns a glare, not- that. Picking at a part of someone they find monstrous. ]
...That is not equivalent in the slightest. 'Addie' is what my father called me until my magic manifested. Afterward it was my full name alone, as though I were no longer his child. Only one other person called me that and he-
( That catch is the thing that takes the air out of her. The apology is quick, genuine, and rings with the kind of prompt self-reprimand that comes with hurting someone and being horrified with yourself. Talk of coffe goes out the window, and she wishes she could snatch the stupid comment out of the air, like she could stop the potential pain that came with it. )
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-- I'm really sorry. I was an ass, when you... asked me not to use that.
( It had been a rhetorical, a tease, and now... well. Once again, Ruby Lucas, screwing things up with flair. )
It hurts. [ Still, like a dull ache. ] Both of them. The dog commentary with you makes you feel less. It picks at something you will not let heal- something you do not let heal because you do not feel you deserve it, yes? For me-
It is failure. I failed to not be a mage, and lost my father's regard. I failed to notice the signs that...ended my association with the other man. It hurts. But it is a different hurt. For me it is not something easily guessed and picked at. For you it is the obvious dig and thus, something you endure more often.
( Like you deserve it, and the only response is that she does, that the shoe fits, that she gets annoyed and rolls her eyes but never says anything because she's the monster people tell children hides under their beds. )
If I say that your dad is an ass would that upset you?
( Low and quiet and mad, actually, angry in a low-key kind of way, a quiet burn that she often puts out of mind but rears up somehow. Is there actually anyone out there who hasn't been screwed over by a parent somehow? Someone who hasn't been hurt by the people who were supposed to protect them? And yet you keep on loving them, sometimes, because you adored them and the adoration and the desire for approval mixes in with the hurt.
Sometimes, anyway. Sometimes. )
I don't think you failed at anything. You have a gift. I mean, I won't lie, it's a big, scary kind of thing, but it's a gift. What you can do is amazing. You're helping change your world, being here. The Inquisition is stronger for you helping. And I mean, I get... that's your dad or Orlais or whatever, but you didn't fail. Bigotry lost you something, not a failure.
( As for the other, she doesn't know the signs or circumstances. She knows hurt and heartbreak, but not specifics. )
A little, but I have not seen him in thirty years so- it's more the same upset that I would have if I found a fly in my coffee.
[ Her own wry twist at humor to hide the ache. She'd adored him. He taught her much of what it was to be a good noble, to be certain of her station but not a complete ass. To lose that at such an age-
It wasn't devastating, but it had left its mark. ]
Perhaps. But just as I did not fail because of what I am- you do not deserve to be told you are less because of what you are or what you have done.
[ With Robert- it is still not something she is comfortable discussing. She hasn't told many of him, of what happened. ]
( That's a sharp, twisting kind of hurt. She doesn't fire back a response, she waits and she exhales, and tries to wrap her head around something that isn'r totally insensitive. )
It isn't easy when the people you love let you down. I'm sorry.
( Quiet, steady. Kind of controlled, though that isn't the right word for it, when she isn't lacking control as a general rule, isn't hyper-aware beyond the Wolf. ) Maybe it'll get better, the situation with him.
( Or maybe Red should mind her own business, either or.
But she does laugh, even if it's quiet and not as happy as a laugh should sound. )
Oh, I don't know. When you're literally the monster that's inspired literature and parents to terrify their children you have a certain cultural status. Being told to take yourself for a walk is just part of the package.
( ha ha ha ha ha she hates being a fairy tale person sometimes )
It is a part of the system I am trying to change. Children show signs of magic and they were taken to Circles. Towers filled with templars that have the ability to nullify our magic. It is for our own safety, we are told- and to a degree? This is so. We wrote now and ten but it was never 'Dear Addie' as one would a child.
It was always 'Apprentice Adelaide' or 'Mage' or 'Enchanter'. Lately it has been 'Councilor' and there has been some warmth, I think, in his writing. Perhaps the distance was as much to protect himself from hurt as it was me. Perhaps he is an ass.
[ She manages a faint crack of laughter- something faintly brittle that she swallows back and tucks away. This is not entirely about her, not truly. ]
If I can look at the man that destroyed a Chantry and killed hundreds of people, a man that was as warped to me in their propaganda as you are in your literature- if I can look at him and still see a friend? If I can attempt to look upon him kindly as much as I am upset by what he did? If I can have mercy on him for what he is-
Might have been option d, all of the above. The Circles sound like they'd be a scary place for a kid to go. Maybe... it was scary for a parent to see their child be taken there, too. ( Softly, that, pensive, although she has a certain degree of what a dick still cycling in her head before she offers, a little more lightly, ) Hey, maybe I'll write him a letter and inform him that the correct title is 'Chief Captain Boss,' make sure he gets it right.
( Anders. Things that she has heard about and was horrified by and yet... they've forgiven Regina. She's pretty sure Anders crimes could pale in comparison to the acts of the Evil Queen. )
Right. ( How can she say this? With a quiet, cheeky kind of cheer, obviously. ) Well, you hang out with a spirit of Compassion, and I'm a dirty, dirty hypocrit. ( She's gotten very good at saying this stuff lightly. )
But, hey, sometimes I have good days. I just... wonder. If you start forgiving yourself and eventually you start crossing lines, or something. How do you forgive yourself for hurt you did for other people? That's not my forgiveness to give. Forgiving other people for wrongs is... I mean, it's not easier, but it's not like you're letting yourself off a hook that you probably have a place on, either.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perfect multitaskers, juggling all this trash at once
( It sounds awkward and stilted even to her own ears. Regina's different; no longer being a murderer doesn't mean she isn't an ass. )
Right. Got it. Cuddly bog friends are not recently dead.
( Still doesn't sit right, but she's pragmatic enough not to make a fuss. With a deliberate effort to inject brightness into her tone, )
So, any exciting gossip from Skyhold? ( Which is to say, how are you?)
+10 dex
[ To be given the opportunity to change. To be better. To do better. That's worth a great deal. Though different could also mean worse but- Red strikes her as the sort that would just say so. ]
We've saved the wardens, apparently. Well. The wardens within the Inquisition- killing that thing, the fight in the fade? Stopped whatever it was that had been making them hear The Calling. It- I do not understand it but...I had a friend, a patient, that heard it before he was made a Warden. A song of the old gods in the back of his mind. He hated it. Apparently Wardens hear this and it means they are near death- all of the Wardens in Southern Thedas were hearing it. And now...they aren't.
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So, they... basically get some mysterious force reaching into their mind when they're dying?
( wow, Thedas. ) That's... morbid. ( Wait ) I mean, great that they aren't, you know. Being sung to death, or something.
( But so morbid??? )
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[ And they will not tell her how. ]
The song- means the taint is thick in them. Apparently it is custom for them to go to the deep roads and fight as many darkspawn until they themselves die or- something like that? I think it is bullshit, I do not trust it, I do not understand it but- whatever This Calling is. Whatever it means to them? It has stopped.
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Oh-kay. ( The o is slow and drawn out. ) I'm glad your friend is-- ( "okay" might be pushing it. ) I'm glad he's not dying. That's really good.
( Her months here have involved some reading, but probably not enough. She has, however, grasped what the taint means. Darkspawn. Other stuff. )
Sounds like a win. Small one, at least. I mean, making sure their minds are their own again and everything? That's definitely a win.
( But she frowns, and maybe it's audible in her voice. )
And how are you holding up?
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Well enough. Preparing for another round of 'will this be the ritual that makes Anders less of an abomination or will this be the one that kills me?' It is my new favorite game. Really.
[ If her voice were any drier, well, they'd be in the Western Approach. Again. ]
If this one does not work- I shudder to think of what will go wrong.
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Well, I'm going to lean on yes. I mean, admittedly I'm neither involved and I'm not an expect on Wolf stuff, let alone not-Wolf stuff. Even so... I think you'll do it. I mean, it could be really hard, and dangers kind of in everything.
But. And, okay, the but is actually really important, but in my world there's a couple things that are important. Believing. Believing does some powerful stuff. And the other one is love. The kind of-- God this sounds lame, but the magic you do, that's got some kind of root in caring, and people care because they love humanity or people or life or... anything. That's what I think, anyway. You can do this. You can definitely do it. You and Anders'll both come out the other side stronger for it. You'll be okay.
( She is rolling her eyes at herself, ) I believe in you.
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Hermione and Martel are, again, proof of such things. Ruby's ease in changing- or was it difficult? It seemed simple enough.
She'd never thought to ask. ]
Magic here is...a matter of will and intent. Skill, of course, but so long as you know what it is you must do, so long as you provide a framework in which to see the thing done- a glyph, a spell, a familiar gesture- your will and intent taps into the Fade to shape the world around you. To make what you will to be so, so. It is not so simple as imagining something and wishing it to be but- Intent matters. In this way I suppose I do lack some of the requisite belief.
[ But...she has walked through the fade. Killed a demon the size of a fortress. She has survived that, survived the Spire, built something worthwhile.
This, too, she can do. ]
Thank you, Miel Loup. I may have needed to hear that.
ahhh sorry I sure fell asleep at my laptop
Unseen, Red smiles a little. ) Hey, anytime you need a slightly garbled and confused pep talk, I'm your girl.
( A breath and, more seriously: ) Believing can be the hard part, especially when it comes to ourselves. You'll kick its ass. ( And then anoher moment skips past. ) What does that mean, anyway?
( Red attempts to echo it, and it runs together awkwardly, so she laughs at herself and gives up. No butchering a foreign language for her, today. )
Bella sleep is good for you ;A;
[ In other things as well but- it does not matter quite so much on this side of the veil. That has become quite plain to her over the past decade. Good intentions are only good for so long for so much. They cannot excuse what is done in their name. ]
You know? After everything that happened in the fade? I think I am not as worried as I was before.
[ She snorts, a faint, breathless laugh. ]
Ah, that. It is unkind of me, I suppose, that I took two things you wished not to be called and put them together. Miel Loup. It means Honey Wolf or Sweet Wolf.
lies!!!
See? That's awesome. You rode a wolf and fought a giant demonic crab spider thing. I think that probably means you can actually handle anything.
( Unseen her eyes widen, and she bites her lip because otherwise she'd grin and... oh no, Red's laughing a little bit, regardless. )
Well, to be perfectly fair, the wolf thing I definitely like. ( She still sounds amused when she starts to explain, although there's something just slightly tired in it. )or, say... say, for example, that I was being a little unruly, and someone told you to get your dog on a leash. That I dislike. Sweet Wolf's actually... pretty good. I can live with it.
TRUTH!!!
How can I undermine such a ringing endorsement?
[ Exactly. She can't. ]
Now that is being uncivil and would earn at least a slap if not a thorough dressing down. One does not say that about anyone, least of all someone that has fought for us without needing to do so. But- if you do not mind it, I shall continue to use it.
nay
( annnd Red sighs. Sort of. )
Well, I mean. Regina's just Regina, she kind of talks to everyone like that. And some people just say it without thinking, you know? Or it's meant to be kind of... affectionate teasing, or something. It's not... that bad.
( It is that bad, but hearing someone else say it makes her feel guilty. )
Please. Honey wolf at your disposal, Captain.
yay
[ tl;dr ]
It is bullshit and I will not stand idly by and allow it.
[ Ever. ]
Re: yay
( So? Red feels bound to cut her at least a little slack. She doesn't like Regina, she doesn't have much desire to be in her presence at all, and yet... she's one of them now, isn't she? She's not the bad guy any more.
She'd be happier about Snow embracing Regina back into her family hadn't felt like part of how Red slipped out of it. That, however, is basic self pity.
Lightly, )
Defending my honour now, huh?
( Maybe if she keeps joking about it then the feelings around this will be less complicated. )
no subject
[ Teach teenagers for ten years, you pick up a few hard lines that you do not cross. ]
Of course. Why would I not?
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( maybe not. )
Oh, well, you know. ( light, keep it light, just be silly. ) Getting run out of town with fire and pitchforks once or twice has fixed me with pretty low standard for social interaction.
( You don't have to, she almost says, but she feels acutely aware of how that stung Adelaide in the Fade and doesn't really want to test her ability to reach through the crystals and strangle someone. Because I'm a monster doesn't seem like it'd go better. )
I don't know. Maybe if I called you 'Addie.'
( jokes jokes jokes this is fine she doesn't feel torn about this subject )
no subject
[ Such a thing earns a glare, not- that. Picking at a part of someone they find monstrous. ]
...That is not equivalent in the slightest. 'Addie' is what my father called me until my magic manifested. Afterward it was my full name alone, as though I were no longer his child. Only one other person called me that and he-
[ Her voice catches. Stutters to a stop. ]
It is. Different.
no subject
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-- I'm really sorry. I was an ass, when you... asked me not to use that.
( It had been a rhetorical, a tease, and now... well. Once again, Ruby Lucas, screwing things up with flair. )
Are you okay?
no subject
It is failure. I failed to not be a mage, and lost my father's regard. I failed to notice the signs that...ended my association with the other man. It hurts. But it is a different hurt. For me it is not something easily guessed and picked at. For you it is the obvious dig and thus, something you endure more often.
no subject
If I say that your dad is an ass would that upset you?
( Low and quiet and mad, actually, angry in a low-key kind of way, a quiet burn that she often puts out of mind but rears up somehow. Is there actually anyone out there who hasn't been screwed over by a parent somehow? Someone who hasn't been hurt by the people who were supposed to protect them? And yet you keep on loving them, sometimes, because you adored them and the adoration and the desire for approval mixes in with the hurt.
Sometimes, anyway. Sometimes. )
I don't think you failed at anything. You have a gift. I mean, I won't lie, it's a big, scary kind of thing, but it's a gift. What you can do is amazing. You're helping change your world, being here. The Inquisition is stronger for you helping. And I mean, I get... that's your dad or Orlais or whatever, but you didn't fail. Bigotry lost you something, not a failure.
( As for the other, she doesn't know the signs or circumstances. She knows hurt and heartbreak, but not specifics. )
You didn't fail. You're human.
no subject
[ Her own wry twist at humor to hide the ache. She'd adored him. He taught her much of what it was to be a good noble, to be certain of her station but not a complete ass. To lose that at such an age-
It wasn't devastating, but it had left its mark. ]
Perhaps. But just as I did not fail because of what I am- you do not deserve to be told you are less because of what you are or what you have done.
[ With Robert- it is still not something she is comfortable discussing. She hasn't told many of him, of what happened. ]
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It isn't easy when the people you love let you down. I'm sorry.
( Quiet, steady. Kind of controlled, though that isn't the right word for it, when she isn't lacking control as a general rule, isn't hyper-aware beyond the Wolf. ) Maybe it'll get better, the situation with him.
( Or maybe Red should mind her own business, either or.
But she does laugh, even if it's quiet and not as happy as a laugh should sound. )
Oh, I don't know. When you're literally the monster that's inspired literature and parents to terrify their children you have a certain cultural status. Being told to take yourself for a walk is just part of the package.
( ha ha ha ha ha she hates being a fairy tale person sometimes )
no subject
It was always 'Apprentice Adelaide' or 'Mage' or 'Enchanter'. Lately it has been 'Councilor' and there has been some warmth, I think, in his writing. Perhaps the distance was as much to protect himself from hurt as it was me. Perhaps he is an ass.
[ She manages a faint crack of laughter- something faintly brittle that she swallows back and tucks away. This is not entirely about her, not truly. ]
If I can look at the man that destroyed a Chantry and killed hundreds of people, a man that was as warped to me in their propaganda as you are in your literature- if I can look at him and still see a friend? If I can attempt to look upon him kindly as much as I am upset by what he did? If I can have mercy on him for what he is-
How can you have any less for yourself?
no subject
( Softly, that, pensive, although she has a certain degree of what a dick still cycling in her head before she offers, a little more lightly, ) Hey, maybe I'll write him a letter and inform him that the correct title is 'Chief Captain Boss,' make sure he gets it right.
( Anders. Things that she has heard about and was horrified by and yet... they've forgiven Regina. She's pretty sure Anders crimes could pale in comparison to the acts of the Evil Queen. )
Right. ( How can she say this? With a quiet, cheeky kind of cheer, obviously. )
Well, you hang out with a spirit of Compassion, and I'm a dirty, dirty hypocrit. ( She's gotten very good at saying this stuff lightly. )
But, hey, sometimes I have good days. I just... wonder. If you start forgiving yourself and eventually you start crossing lines, or something. How do you forgive yourself for hurt you did for other people? That's not my forgiveness to give. Forgiving other people for wrongs is... I mean, it's not easier, but it's not like you're letting yourself off a hook that you probably have a place on, either.
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