( So gently, she tries to shush Adelaide's word. She doesn't know if getting it out will make it better or if the words will just sting, the lash of a whip over raw wounds. )
I'm sorry. You did everything you could. I know you did.
( You're Adelaide. Even if other people didn't do everything that they could, Adelaide? Adelaide was exactly the person to try everything, no matter what. Her thumb brushes away some of those tears, and she leans her forehead against Adelaide's, inhaling the cold air from her breath, letting the ever-hitched temperature of her own body try to warm Adelaide's at the cold spreads. )
[ She can say it. She must say it. She's said it before with Lauren- before there was hope, before there was a cure but now? It sticks like nettles in her throat, cutting and bitter and raw. This is their failure.
Her failure.
'We killed him.'
Three words but all that comes out is- ]
We failed.
[ Soft and small and so very angry. She should've been better. She should've been able to see, should have listened. Assuming she knows, assuming she is- her thoughts scatter in the face of Ruby's warmth and compassion, her heart heavy and sore and shuddering like the rest of her. Somewhere in all of this she's begun trembling, shivering as she finally reaches up to cling back. ]
You didn't fail. ( The words almost seem exhaled, for how soft they are and how they come with the painful draw of her breath as she listens to Adelaide tear pieces off herself. ) You couldn't save him. You can't save everyone, it's what happens.
( She presses a kiss to Adelaide's forehead, then to the apple of her cheek, stopping the track of another tear. Fiercely, she goes on. )
You did everything that you could. You tried, and that's more than what a lot of people would even think to do. You did not fail.
( The hand at Adelaide's cheek drops so that both her arms can wrap around Adelaide, as Ruby presses another kiss to her cheek and murmurs against her skin. ) I believe in you. You didn't fail.
He died. He died before we ever struck the blow- Compassion felt him turn. Felt the rage take him over, he slipped right through our fingers-
[ They should have known. They should have known, they should have acted, they shouldn't have put the rest of the party at risk- a furious sob hitches in her throat as she collapses inward, forehead to Ruby's shoulder, hands trembling as she holds fast. ]
I knew. I knew when we saw him- when he was there on his own that we couldn't save him- they wouldn't heave an experiment behind unless they were finished and I hated myself for thinking of him that way. I hate that we don't know his name, I hate that I argued- I hate that we weren't enough-
( It's not the best plan she could come up with, probably, but her heart is hurting listening to Adelaide. She draws back and guides Adelaide's face up, hands cupping her jaw, and catches her with a gentle kiss, grazing her lips over Adelaide's before kissing her again, more intent.
She lingers, inhales, lets her fingers stroke along Adelaide's jaw. )
You're human. Don't ask yourself not to feel. Don't ask yourself to be something that's impossible. Not when it's hurting you like this.
( Another kiss, then. ) Everything you're feeling will get better.
[ It works- or at least it stops her from speaking. Cuts her off with a low, wretched sound that twists into a helpless sigh. Lips as cold as though she were standing out in the dead of night, but she lists into the contact. Slides her hands back to bury in Ruby's curls, to remind herself of this sweetness.
Of this one uncomplicated thing she has with no expectations other than decency. ]
He was the only survivor we found. The only one. And they left him for us. [ Calmer, now. Not by much, not at all, but her breath doesn't cloud and the frost spiraling in lace fractals on her skin melts away. ] All I thought when I climbed out of that cave was how much I wanted to see you again.
( Red templars were beyond something she'd ever experienced. Even Regina at her worst had never--
She doesn't think about it, about home or the Curse or Regina or anything that isn't Adelaide. Nothing else matters.
Probably, Ruby figures, she shouldn't be so achingly happy that Adelaide wanted her. She just stays close, is aware of the cold receding a little, and rubs her hand up and down Adelaide's back. )
We're going to cuddle in your bed for a while and eat macarons.
( A kiss to Adelaide's cheek. ) And I'm going to just keep on holding you as long as you want. Okay?
I just- I didn't know how. [ Her breath hitches, lips twisting against Ruby's shoulder into something like a smile. ] I didn't know how but I knew you'd find a way to make it better.
[ And here she is, now. Holding her. Promising that things will be okay, being warm, being kind-
Making it better. Adelaide manages to sniff and pull back enough to nod, finally toeing off her boots. She's still dressed from the road, still dusty, weary- ] Help me out of my dress?
[ Out of the stiff wool meant for travel. Down to her soft, comfortable cotton chemise where she can better tangle with Ruby and feel her warmth. ]
( Ruby's smile is very soft as she pulls back, and her voice matches it. )
Yeah.
( Which is new, but her hands drop to start helping Adelaide with the heavy wool, fingers dealing with clasps with quiet efficiency so she can ease it from Adelaide's shoulders. )
I'm not sure exactly how to help, either, but we'll figure it out. Trial and error, but snuggly.
( Ruby's smile brightens a little, and she leans closer to kiss Adelaide again, fleeting, just as she eases the robes away. )
Your own personal Ruby comes complete with cuddling and snuggling functions, and also doubles as a personal heater and tea maker. Okay?
[ No great weight has been lifted, no grand revelation had- but the ache is less. The frustration vented, the anger at herself? Abated. How can she remain upset when Ruby is here and finds her so admirable? That faith will sustain her, even if her own cannot.
Heavy and dark blue wool falls from her shoulders as she unlaces the last of the bodice- her chemise lighter, a pale cream hemmed in sky blue. About her wrist as ever? Ruby's favor. ]
Tea and bed and macraons and you sounds wonderful.
[ Indulgent. Time better spent reporting, better spent writing but she curls her fingers around Ruby's wrist to tug her close all the same. ] Miel Loup. Mon bonne Loup.
( Her smile is lop-sided, and she draws closer to Adelaide's bed, petting Remi a moment. ) Scoot, little guy.
( Regardless of whether the cat obliges, she pulls the cover back and tilts her head to it. Adelaide's in a chemise which is gently distracting, but she brushes away any distraction best she can. )
[ It is easier to take direction in this, to let Ruby guide her and nudge her to where she is most safe, most comfortable. Curling under the covers and scooping Remi into her lap prompts a low sound of faint displeasure from the cat before he settles.
[ She laughs and it is not strained. Tired- but not strained. Little by little she is setting the jagged pieces of herself aside, instead settling into the comfort and warmth that is this room and this woman. ]
The terribly large one with the pretty face? He seems sweet. [ A strange thought to have for so physically intimidating a man- but it is true. ] And I am here, now, grateful to be spoiled.
Tall, dark and very excited about violet schnapps. He may or may not be working on a tart to complement it.
( The macarons are set down, and Ruby idly unlaces and loosens her bodice, inch by inch, before drawing it away, and setting it on the floor, leaving her on a white blouse and the red skirts. )
Just wait until I give you a back massage. You won't want me to leave.
[ Adelaide takes a moment just to- admire Ruby. Lovely as she's always found her, as new as this is for her- it is still striking to her in moments just how poised Ruby is. How graceful. How thoroughly feminine-
And how these little things, the curl of lash, the red lips, the cinch of her waist all add up into someone that warms her heart as much as a low ember in her stomach, ignored for the moment. ]
I don't ever want you to leave, Charlotte- [ Wait. ] I mean to say- I don't-
You-
I would rather not be bereft of your company if you wish to give it.
( Another of her lopsided smiles, gentle, before she leans toward to kiss Adelaide's forehead. )
I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here when you want me. No matter how far away I am, I'll always be on my way back to you. No bereftness. That's not going to happen.
[ She is terrible at this- Ruby knows she is terrible at this- but she takes it in stride. Adelaide sighs softly, reaching out to squeeze Ruby's hand. ]
No bereftness. [ It is a word now. She will embrace it. ]
( The water's close to ready, and she moves away to see to it, unfastening the clasp of her skirt and lets it slip away, stepping out of it so she's standing in her underwear and a white blouse as she readies the tea - lavender and rose. )
I'll get "no bereftness" embroidered on a pillow.
( And a glance over her shoulder, with a grin. ) You're adorable, by the way.
Sincere, endearing, and ridiculous. That sums us up quite well, I should...
[ Oh that's not fair at all, bringing out the legs.
The legs are dangerous. Ruby knows this. She is attempting to be distracting and Adelaide is...thoroughly distracted for a moment, eyes flicking back up, skin flushed pink. ]
( These legs are innocently bared. Innocent leg exposure is all that's happening here, even if she does have to lean over the desk for have a second to reach a cup. It's only a second, and it's not even slightly contrived.
Okay, maybe like five percent contrived, but still.
Tea is poured, two cups, and she walks over with the expert, practiced no-spillage of a waitress of twenty-eight years experience. )
You're adorable. Easy to adore. And also in the cuter sense, when you're all cuddled up with Remy.
( She sets down the cups of tea, next to the macarons. ) You've got so much good in you, and so much kindness. I'm happy I get to see it.
( Because other people? They talk about Adelaide the stern, the frosty, the uptight. They don't realise Adelaide the compassionate, and the funny, are just as present. )
[ Innocent Adelaide's left foot. It doesn't mean she won't respectfully take advantage of what she's been offered. One day, perhaps, she might sort out what it is of her Ruby envoys looking at most to offer the same but until then? There are these looks, her blushes, her indignant snorting. ]
Hardly. I do not know who you have been talking to if you have that impression.
[ Not her students, clearly. Still as comforting as the tea might be, as delightful as the sweets? Adelaide opens her arms to Ruby first and foremost. ]
No one would ever believe you if you told them. It is my deep, dark secret.
( Ruby leans closer, bracing her hands on the mattress, so she can kiss Adelaide's cheek, and murmur against her ear: ) You. You give me that impression.
( Low, quiet, and the faintest rasp in her voice as she draws back nudging Adelaide's nose with her own. ) Do you like being the big spoon or the little spoon? I can keep that secret, too, if you like, Captain.
( Maybe it's just slightly fun to tease Adelaide. Maybe it's... beyond her, the reality of this, of having a person that wants Ruby to hold her, that Ruby wants to hold, with whom she shares a mutual entanglement. )
[ Using that voice in her ear. Frank as she might be about sex? Intimacy like this- Mages did not have it. The casual affection, the cuddling, the attention. She's bright pink and laughing, rubbing their nose tips together in something that has become tradition for them by now. ]
Little, I think. You are taller than me. But for right now can I have you next to me, so I might feed you macarons and watch you smile the way you do when you have something sweet?
( Does it? She's not one hundred percent on that, but she draws back just enough, glances over to make sure she's not left any flames going from heating the water, and satisfied that it's all as it should be, Ruby moves to clamber into the bed next to Adelaide. )
The macarons are for you. ( This is an important detail. ) I'll still be next to you, though. Fair deal, Captain?
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I'm sorry. You did everything you could. I know you did.
( You're Adelaide. Even if other people didn't do everything that they could, Adelaide? Adelaide was exactly the person to try everything, no matter what. Her thumb brushes away some of those tears, and she leans her forehead against Adelaide's, inhaling the cold air from her breath, letting the ever-hitched temperature of her own body try to warm Adelaide's at the cold spreads. )
It'll be okay. I've got you. C'mon.
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Her failure.
'We killed him.'
Three words but all that comes out is- ]
We failed.
[ Soft and small and so very angry. She should've been better. She should've been able to see, should have listened. Assuming she knows, assuming she is- her thoughts scatter in the face of Ruby's warmth and compassion, her heart heavy and sore and shuddering like the rest of her. Somewhere in all of this she's begun trembling, shivering as she finally reaches up to cling back. ]
I failed.
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( She presses a kiss to Adelaide's forehead, then to the apple of her cheek, stopping the track of another tear. Fiercely, she goes on. )
You did everything that you could. You tried, and that's more than what a lot of people would even think to do. You did not fail.
( The hand at Adelaide's cheek drops so that both her arms can wrap around Adelaide, as Ruby presses another kiss to her cheek and murmurs against her skin. ) I believe in you. You didn't fail.
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[ They should have known. They should have known, they should have acted, they shouldn't have put the rest of the party at risk- a furious sob hitches in her throat as she collapses inward, forehead to Ruby's shoulder, hands trembling as she holds fast. ]
I knew. I knew when we saw him- when he was there on his own that we couldn't save him- they wouldn't heave an experiment behind unless they were finished and I hated myself for thinking of him that way. I hate that we don't know his name, I hate that I argued- I hate that we weren't enough-
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She lingers, inhales, lets her fingers stroke along Adelaide's jaw. )
You're human. Don't ask yourself not to feel. Don't ask yourself to be something that's impossible. Not when it's hurting you like this.
( Another kiss, then. ) Everything you're feeling will get better.
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Of this one uncomplicated thing she has with no expectations other than decency. ]
He was the only survivor we found. The only one. And they left him for us. [ Calmer, now. Not by much, not at all, but her breath doesn't cloud and the frost spiraling in lace fractals on her skin melts away. ] All I thought when I climbed out of that cave was how much I wanted to see you again.
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I'm so sorry.
( Red templars were beyond something she'd ever experienced. Even Regina at her worst had never--
She doesn't think about it, about home or the Curse or Regina or anything that isn't Adelaide. Nothing else matters.
Probably, Ruby figures, she shouldn't be so achingly happy that Adelaide wanted her. She just stays close, is aware of the cold receding a little, and rubs her hand up and down Adelaide's back. )
We're going to cuddle in your bed for a while and eat macarons.
( A kiss to Adelaide's cheek. ) And I'm going to just keep on holding you as long as you want. Okay?
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[ And here she is, now. Holding her. Promising that things will be okay, being warm, being kind-
Making it better. Adelaide manages to sniff and pull back enough to nod, finally toeing off her boots. She's still dressed from the road, still dusty, weary- ] Help me out of my dress?
[ Out of the stiff wool meant for travel. Down to her soft, comfortable cotton chemise where she can better tangle with Ruby and feel her warmth. ]
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Yeah.
( Which is new, but her hands drop to start helping Adelaide with the heavy wool, fingers dealing with clasps with quiet efficiency so she can ease it from Adelaide's shoulders. )
I'm not sure exactly how to help, either, but we'll figure it out. Trial and error, but snuggly.
( Ruby's smile brightens a little, and she leans closer to kiss Adelaide again, fleeting, just as she eases the robes away. )
Your own personal Ruby comes complete with cuddling and snuggling functions, and also doubles as a personal heater and tea maker. Okay?
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[ No great weight has been lifted, no grand revelation had- but the ache is less. The frustration vented, the anger at herself? Abated. How can she remain upset when Ruby is here and finds her so admirable? That faith will sustain her, even if her own cannot.
Heavy and dark blue wool falls from her shoulders as she unlaces the last of the bodice- her chemise lighter, a pale cream hemmed in sky blue. About her wrist as ever? Ruby's favor. ]
Tea and bed and macraons and you sounds wonderful.
[ Indulgent. Time better spent reporting, better spent writing but she curls her fingers around Ruby's wrist to tug her close all the same. ] Miel Loup. Mon bonne Loup.
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( Her smile is lop-sided, and she draws closer to Adelaide's bed, petting Remi a moment. ) Scoot, little guy.
( Regardless of whether the cat obliges, she pulls the cover back and tilts her head to it. Adelaide's in a chemise which is gently distracting, but she brushes away any distraction best she can. )
You want tea first? I can make some now.
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[ It is easier to take direction in this, to let Ruby guide her and nudge her to where she is most safe, most comfortable. Curling under the covers and scooping Remi into her lap prompts a low sound of faint displeasure from the cat before he settles.
He is not Ruby, but he will hold her for now. ]
Where did you even find macarons in Skyhold?
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( Playfully conspiratorial, a wink before she presses a kiss to Adelaide's forehead, and moves to get to work on that tea. )
And by "connections" I mean I bribed Burly, in the kitchens. Violet and vanilla, chocolate and lavender, couple others.
( As she speaks the water is put on to heat, and picks up the macarons to bring them over. )
I thought after a few days on the road I'd spoil you.
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[ She laughs and it is not strained. Tired- but not strained. Little by little she is setting the jagged pieces of herself aside, instead settling into the comfort and warmth that is this room and this woman. ]
The terribly large one with the pretty face? He seems sweet. [ A strange thought to have for so physically intimidating a man- but it is true. ] And I am here, now, grateful to be spoiled.
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( The macarons are set down, and Ruby idly unlaces and loosens her bodice, inch by inch, before drawing it away, and setting it on the floor, leaving her on a white blouse and the red skirts. )
Just wait until I give you a back massage. You won't want me to leave.
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[ Adelaide takes a moment just to- admire Ruby. Lovely as she's always found her, as new as this is for her- it is still striking to her in moments just how poised Ruby is. How graceful. How thoroughly feminine-
And how these little things, the curl of lash, the red lips, the cinch of her waist all add up into someone that warms her heart as much as a low ember in her stomach, ignored for the moment. ]
I don't ever want you to leave, Charlotte- [ Wait. ] I mean to say- I don't-
You-
I would rather not be bereft of your company if you wish to give it.
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( Another of her lopsided smiles, gentle, before she leans toward to kiss Adelaide's forehead. )
I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here when you want me. No matter how far away I am, I'll always be on my way back to you. No bereftness. That's not going to happen.
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[ She is terrible at this- Ruby knows she is terrible at this- but she takes it in stride. Adelaide sighs softly, reaching out to squeeze Ruby's hand. ]
No bereftness. [ It is a word now. She will embrace it. ]
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( The water's close to ready, and she moves away to see to it, unfastening the clasp of her skirt and lets it slip away, stepping out of it so she's standing in her underwear and a white blouse as she readies the tea - lavender and rose. )
I'll get "no bereftness" embroidered on a pillow.
( And a glance over her shoulder, with a grin. ) You're adorable, by the way.
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[ Oh that's not fair at all, bringing out the legs.
The legs are dangerous. Ruby knows this. She is attempting to be distracting and Adelaide is...thoroughly distracted for a moment, eyes flicking back up, skin flushed pink. ]
I- ah- what?
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Okay, maybe like five percent contrived, but still.
Tea is poured, two cups, and she walks over with the expert, practiced no-spillage of a waitress of twenty-eight years experience. )
You're adorable. Easy to adore. And also in the cuter sense, when you're all cuddled up with Remy.
( She sets down the cups of tea, next to the macarons. ) You've got so much good in you, and so much kindness. I'm happy I get to see it.
( Because other people? They talk about Adelaide the stern, the frosty, the uptight. They don't realise Adelaide the compassionate, and the funny, are just as present. )
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Hardly. I do not know who you have been talking to if you have that impression.
[ Not her students, clearly. Still as comforting as the tea might be, as delightful as the sweets? Adelaide opens her arms to Ruby first and foremost. ]
No one would ever believe you if you told them. It is my deep, dark secret.
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( Low, quiet, and the faintest rasp in her voice as she draws back nudging Adelaide's nose with her own. ) Do you like being the big spoon or the little spoon? I can keep that secret, too, if you like, Captain.
( Maybe it's just slightly fun to tease Adelaide. Maybe it's... beyond her, the reality of this, of having a person that wants Ruby to hold her, that Ruby wants to hold, with whom she shares a mutual entanglement. )
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[ Using that voice in her ear. Frank as she might be about sex? Intimacy like this- Mages did not have it. The casual affection, the cuddling, the attention. She's bright pink and laughing, rubbing their nose tips together in something that has become tradition for them by now. ]
Little, I think. You are taller than me. But for right now can I have you next to me, so I might feed you macarons and watch you smile the way you do when you have something sweet?
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( Does it? She's not one hundred percent on that, but she draws back just enough, glances over to make sure she's not left any flames going from heating the water, and satisfied that it's all as it should be, Ruby moves to clamber into the bed next to Adelaide. )
The macarons are for you. ( This is an important detail. ) I'll still be next to you, though. Fair deal, Captain?
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